10/30/19

Currently listening to ¨Letting Go" by Happy Days.

Christians say that God loves everyone, but God must hate me. I feel cursed. Nothing good ever happens to me. Nothing ever changes.

Even if I wake up feeling okay (like I did today), something always happens that ruins my whole day and I feel like shit again.

I saw my therapist today. She asked me if I´ve been cutting. I said no, of course. She then praised me for it, even though I lied to her face. In fact, today I tried to cut deep and hit styro today but I failed. Need a sharper blade. I don´t give a shit if I bleed out and die. In fact, I want to.

My parents and teachers always talk about how much improvement I´ve made since 6th grade, but on the inside I always feel the same.

I have never been as suicidal as I have been for the last few months. I am genuinely ready to die. I finally have the guts to end it all. I´ve been carefully planning. I have sleeping pills and alcohol, but someone told me that isn´t enough. They said:

¨Oh no sweetie I'm sorry. You have to get your hands on a lot of hard opiates and benzos and anti nausea meds. Cold medication isn't going to do it. Nothing you buy at the store is.¨

Fuck. I want this attempt to be my last. How the hell am I going to get my hands on that stuff? This is going to be more difficult than I thought. I have backup methods though. I could stand on the very edge of a bucket or chair, tie a noose around my neck, and take sleeping pills. Then when I fall asleep the chair/bucket will fall over and I will be hanged. Or I could take the sleeping pills and find some sort of body of water to drown in. That would be easy. Either way I don´t want to do it at home because I don´t want to traumatize my family by making them discover my body.

I hurt myself today To see if I still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that's real The needle tears a hole The old familiar sting Try to kill it all away But I remember everything What have I become My sweetest friend Everyone I know Goes away in the end And you could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt I wear this crown of shit Upon my liars chair Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair Beneath the stains of time The feelings disappear You are someone else I am still right here

What have I become My sweetest friend Everyone I know Goes away in the end And you could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt If I could start again A million miles away I will keep myself I would find a way