1/23/19

Currently listening to ¨Mitt Sinnes Leriga Akrar¨ by Verdun. Nothing has really happened in particular today. Just decided to write an update of sorts.

Guess who decided to snitch on me to the dean today? Annabelle. Basically what happened was that we had a lockdown drill and I made a joke to someone that ¨you can´t get killed by the school shooter if you are the school shooter.¨ Annabelle overheard, and said to me, not acting uncomfortable or anything, ¨I hope you won´t kill me first.¨ I said, not seriously, ¨Nah, I would kill Jackson.¨ She went and told Jackson as well as the dean. She´s going to tell my parents. And Jackson is inevitably going to tell everyone about this. Now I´m in deep shit.

I don´t know why I do these things and I hate myself for it. But deep down I know that if it was somebody else, Annabelle wouldn´t be concerned. But I´m the weird kid, so she is.

They´re decreasing the dosage of Cymbalta, weaning me off, because it hasn´t been working. They´re gonna switch back to Prozac. I don´t really remember what the Prozac was like, how it affected.

Anyways, I broke down crying in the counselor´s office yesterday, when she started talking about her son that killed himself. Started thinking about my own suicidality. How I know I´m always gonna be suicidal, but I´ll never be able to do it because I would feel guilty about doing that to my parents. Funny thing is, I haven´t had serious suicidal thoughts for around a week now. I´ve just felt kind of...numb.

The universe keeps reminding me of Amy. I found the piece of paper she gave me with her number on it while cleaning my room, and a few days later I had a dream about a girl who looked just like her. She´s long gone know, she left the school. I don´t know why what happened affected me so much.