10/28/19

Currently listening to ¨SadlyThatsJustTheWayThingsAre¨ by Bones.

Today a bunch of cops visited our school to answer our questions about their job. I asked a question and one of them called me ¨ma´am.¨ In front of everyone. It´s such a stupid tiny little thing but it feels catastrophic and triggered my gender dysphoria. I also forgot my blade at home, so I can´t cut.

I literally cannot focus on anything except my own thoughts. It's impossible for me to do any schoolwork. It´s like I´m surrounded by this fog so thick that it prevents me from seeing anything around me. I´m been spending a lot of time on a pro-choice suicide forum recently and the people there understand me more than anyone in my real life.

Why am I so fucking miserable? Is it loneliness? School stress? The aftermath of years of bullying? Gender dysphoria? Sexual frustration? Or just a lack of seratonin in my brain? I should be happy. I have a family, friends, and a therapist. And yet, I´ve wanted to die for 4 years. I made a pledge that I would kill myself by the age of 13 when I was 9. And quite frankly, I´m not thrilled that I am still here.

Why the fuck does nothing ever get better? No matter what situation I am in, I always seem to be miserable. Even if I appear to be functioning from the outside, on the inside I always feel the same. Always broken, always dying, but never fully dead. Depression is a terminal illness and some day I will lose my battle.

It seems like even if I start the day off well, I always end up feeling depressed the second I walk into school. I mean, weekends suck too, but still not as much as school. There is a very special sense of alienation that comes with school.

A while ago I read a book called ¨The Diary Of Edward The Hamster¨, about an existentialist depressed hamster. It´s supposed to be funny, but looking back, it´s really relatable.

¨Here I have everything I need. There is no reason to be unhappy.¨