10/26/19

Currently listening to ¨Personal Forest." Well today was a rollercoaster. Went to Holly´s birthday party, and I guess we´re sorta back together again....? I had been kind of avoiding her until today. I basically ghosted her because she wasn´t giving me any attention. One day I tried to break up with her and she basically wouldn´t let me. It´s hard to describe. But ever since that day, I hadn´t been talking to her. Well, until today, when I was invited to her birthday party. Everything was going fine (at first). We were all sitting around chatting. There was a boombox and Holly had a bunch of CDs. Let me DJ. Joy Division, Bowie, Manson, NIN, Rammstein, you name it. Geeked out about music and movies with her dad and sister.

Anyways, Holly has a kitten. She was keeping it a room during the party because cats and parties don´t mix. I was talking about wanting to meet the kitten (she got it recently and I had not seen it yet). At some point she asks me if I want to see the cat. I say yes and she leads me in the room. We are alone together now. Eventually she leans in to kiss me. And, well....I...uh...stuck my tongue in her mouth. Look, I don´t know how to phrase that in a way that DOESN´T sound disgusting. And no, I don´t know why I did it, so don´t fucking ask me. Maybe it´s sort of a reflex from my, ahem, practice with Trent. She pulls away and exclaims ¨What the hell?¨ I immediately regret it. I apologized profusely. She told me to not mention it (I´m not sure if she meant to her or to other people). I cannot describe the level of shame, guilt, and pure fucking pain that I felt. I wanted to curl up into a ball and die - it put the ¨mort¨ in mortifying. I was sort of in a sort of catatonic state for the rest of the evening - a ¨cringe coma¨, if you will. I remember that someone put their hand on my back and asked me if I was ok, but I have no idea who it was. Didn´t even lift my head to look at them. I was that spaced out. I did stay long enough to watch Holly open her birthday presents, though. She did really like my present and my drawing of her, or at least she acted like she did. But I just couldn´t focus.

I feel like an awful human being. I will NEVER forgive myself for this. This is the kind of moment that keeps you up at night thinking about it 5 years later.