10/15/19

Convinced my mom to let me stay home today. People at school are spreading rumors about me being trans. People who I thought I trusted.

I don't know what I'm gonna do. I don't know how or if I'm going survive middle school. I know that sounds really overdramatic, but it's true. And it's not just because of some stupid little rumor. That's just one little part of the puzzle. What's going to happen next? What's gonna be the straw that breaks the camel's back?

Bought 13 Reasons Why from Barnes and Nobles lately. It reads like a deranged suicide fantasy that the author themselves must have. But despite this, It's somewhat appealing to me. Getting back at your enemies and all the people who betrayed you in such a petty, yet genius way.

I wonder if anyone would remember me if I killed myself. I'm currently listening to "Host" by Nocturnal Depression. It's very simple, but gorgeous. Reminds me of Stroszek. When I listen to it, I feel like I'm staring in the face of death himself.

I've been working on a spoken word/DSBM/dark ambient album recently. Well, not much because of my lack of motivation, but I'm proud of the work I've done so far. It's the darkest music I've ever made and I feel like I'm finally able to express my depression in auditory form. It's really more like an art project than it is music. A lot of the lyrics don't rhyme and it's partially spoken word. Whereas my previous work beared more similarity to folk artists like Leonard Cohen, Elliott Smith, and Nicole Dollanganger, this one is more heavily inspired by Stroszek, Boyd Rice, and Uboa. I want to release this album before I CTB.

I stole 24 sleeping pills from Walgreens today. I honestly don't even care how it's going to affect my family at this point. I just wanna end it all. I'm tired of everything.