10/11/19

Anna actually asked me why I hated her today. I blurted out that I "used to hate her because I thought she was bitchy but don't anymore." Obviously she was hurt.

God I fucking hate myself. I have absolutely no social skills whatsoever.

I can't tell anyone in real life how I really feel. I can't tell my therapist because he's legally required to tell someone. I can't talk to my friends about It because I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be put in the hospital again. I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want my parents to find out. And I certainly don't want anyone to try to stop me from killing myself.

I did however, vent to someone I know online about it. I learned that you can't talk about your problems in 7th grade. The school dean pulled me aside and told me to stop talking to my friend Sally about my problems. That was when I realized that you never, ever take off the mask.

My life is like a choose-your-own-adventure book where there are no happy endings. Every decision I make is the wrong one. I'm listening to "No One Is Ever Going To Want Me" by Giles Corey as I write this. It seems to describe my life right now better than it ever has.

I'm armed to the teeth Like a fucking animal I ruin everything I get my bony hands on

And here we go, now Over the bridge of sighs We will get a cross like Christ, crucified It's like a birth but it is in reverse Never gets better, always gets worse

I'll gnaw at anything New England is mine, and It owes me a living

And here we go, now Over the bridge of sighs We will get a cross like Christ, crucified It's like a birth but it is in reverse Never gets better, always gets worse

And here we go, now (Step one, step two) Over the bridge of sighs (Step three, step four) We will get a cross like Christ, crucified (We fall through the floor) It's like a birth but it is in reverse (Fall through the floor) Never gets better, always gets worse (Fall through the floor)

One, two, fuck you!

I want to feel like I feel when I'm asleep (x2) I wanna feel (x9) I want to feel like I feel when I'm asleep Sleep! (x3)